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Friday, August 6th, 2004
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2:12 pm
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im going on a HUGE roadtrip this week so i know you all will miss me but you can call me cuz ill just be in a car or at some gorgeous waterfalls.
:-)))))))))))))))))))
miss ya!
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, August 4th, 2004
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3:19 pm
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i dont know whats going on with this journal thing here, but all my entries are frozen and the last one that showed up was like 5 days ago. not even my last entry shows up unless i go to that person's specific page.
people, we have a dilemma here.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, July 29th, 2004
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8:14 am
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i just read two really sad livejournal entries, and beth everything will turn out right in the end. trust me.
well, tim, i know youre going to like this one. this was charlene's (remember her?) exact sentence yesterday at work:
give him a banana, and he'll flip over it, then let him have his way with you - said to debbie and across the room.
but i have to get going to work. i get to see the gin blossooms today in concert woo woo! (or whoot haha). AND i get to go camping this weekend!! call me foos.
ps. LINDSAY I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, July 21st, 2004
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10:33 pm
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isnt odd that someone that you thought was someone really isnt that someone at all but someone totally different?
lindsay, that kid has his own reasons for doing what he did, as did you. but honestly, you cant go back, and you have so much going for you that anyone would be stupid to hurt you. everyone goes through phases, as he did and is going through them, and most everyone messes things up in their lives. but you dont have to deal with him anymore, you can try to move on, u know? you are such a bright person that someday will make someone (whether its me or some guy!) feel so lucky and out of this world special just to have you. because the people who care about you now (me!) already do. you just keep growing into this awesome person who puts everything she has into all of her relationships, and yeah you get carried away and dont realize what youre doing sometimes, but i know youve been there for me more than you probably wanted to lately, and, well... i love you girl!
i think im just going to list everything ive wanted to be right now. lol i dont know why though...
pet... owner type thing
teacher
actress
anchorwoman!
firefighter
cop
CIA/FBI agent!
TORONADO CHASER
ranger in a place with acres of forest
person riding in the back of the garbage truck
shammoo stunt swimmer
adam sandler in along came polly
animal lova
psychologist for children
teen help line person
reporter
nurse or doctor but not anything that i have to poke with needles ha
um telemarketing is my all time dream
horse breeder of course
accountant
someone who travels the world taking care of the kids who need me the most at that moment in time
theres so much more but im done for now.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, July 14th, 2004
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12:28 am
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why dont you just use my e-mail instead of posting stuff in front of billions?
kissy_kay6@yahoo.com
and i cant say anything to whatever you typed because my mind is screaming from my dad's words just now.
and i need youre e-mail
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, July 10th, 2004
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7:28 pm - last drama-crapped entry. promise.
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realize..
i am selfish, i can be immature, yes i need to grow up and yes, i need to get over my past, move on, and stop the whole self pity thing. yes, i am a lost little girl in a big world, and yes, i have messed with your head and your feelings. i know all of my faults, and believe me, my parents make sure to yell them at me for hours at least 3 times a day. i know that i need to stop lying to myself about me being someone i'm not. i used to think that i was drama-free, that i hated it, that i wasn't a girl (per-say) and that i didn't have nearly as many emotions or confusion or games as the other girls do. and i don't want to. but i have. and i need to face that and realize how selfish and self-pitying i really am. i have to realize the silly girls that i despise for the most part... is me. i haven't put anything into the relationship the past week, i have treated you more as a friend than a boyfriend the past week, and several other times. i AM self-centered -otherwise i would have thought about your feelings more than i did when i came back to you instead of following that overwhelming sense to be with you again.
but there is one thing. i HAVE NOT taken advantage of you, i have not walked all over you. everything i have felt or said or done has been 100% real to me except for the whole confusion thing. i didn't lie to you that one day that you say i did, and this is just as hard for me as for you. because i have to face it myself, i've done this to myself, it's my fault, the person i care about the most and who knows me better than anyone is hurting because of me. i know all of this.
i dont get it. i used to be so mature, so grown up, so sure of myself and my values and what i wanted in life. now, i dont know about ANYTHING in my life, not even myself. arent you suppose to mature with age? when i was home all the time, putting up with that crap a couple years ago, i was such a better person and i was so sure of myself. now, as soon as i start partying, opening myself up to people, actually having real relationships, its like i did a 180. why? i hurt people, thats all i seem to do, and yet my attitude is never hurt people. my parents, i hurt them. you, i hurt you. it just goes on.
ive got a whole bunch of people pulling at me right now. and im sick of it. in one aspect, i say fuck them all and move to texas. in another, i say yeah - i am selfish and self-centered and immature. and it annoys me to no end.
i just need to stop trying to be someone i want to be, and realize the person i am now. i need to stop bottling it inside, my pain, misery, who i am, what i am, and let it go.
because... i can't even cry anymore.
easier said than done, huh? ha right.
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, July 9th, 2004
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12:33 pm
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| Monday, July 5th, 2004
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8:06 pm - so im upsessed with lyrics right now...
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Acoustic #3
They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew
And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway
Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
Cause she's got nowhere to go
And she wonders where these dreams go
Cause the world got in her way
What's the point in ever trying
Nothing's changing anyway
They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But you're falling anyway
And you know I see right through you
Cause the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
You're not listening anyway
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(comment on this)
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7:54 pm
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Sympathy
(John Rzeznik)
Stranger than your sympathy
This is my apology
I'm killing myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out
I wish for things that I don't need
All I wanted
And what I chase won't set me free
All I wanted
And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees
Oh yeah everything's all wrong yeah
Everything's all wrong yeah
Where the hell did I think I was
Stranger than your sympathy
I take these things so I don't feel
I'm killing myself from the inside out
Now my head's been filled with doubt
It's hard to lead the life you choose
All I wanted
When all your luck's run out on you
All I wanted
You can't see when all your dreams are coming true
Oh yeah it's easy to forget yeah
You choke on the regrets yeah
Who the hell did I think I was
Stranger than your sympathy
All these thoughts you stole from me
I'm not sure where I belong
Nowhere's home and I'm all wrong
And I wasn't all the things
I tried to make believe I was
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel
Before the dreams I wanted
And all the talk and all the lies
Were all the empty things disguised as me
Yeah stranger than your sympathy stranger than your sympathy
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(comment on this)
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7:39 pm
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Think About Me
(John Rzeznik)
You take a lot of chances with your feelings
No one really knows what you feel
And fiction is the only way you're dealing
You turn your pretty head if it gets real
You take it so slowly
And your eyes look so lonely
And it's only when you think about me
Oh yeah
When you think about me
Think about me
I got head don't let me sleep
You got secret I can't keep
You see a little stranger in your mirror
The girl you never know is what you fear
You take is to so slowly
And your eyes look so lonely
But it's only when you think about me
Oh yeah
When you think about me
Think about me
All you want is something I can't be
All you want from me is what you need
And I'm saying
You take it so slowly
And your eyes look so lonely
But it's only oh you, take it so slowly
Now it's only 'bout me
When you think about me
Think about me
When you think about me
Oh yeah
When you think about me
Think about me
When you think about me
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, June 24th, 2004
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12:09 am
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my head... should explode with what its got in it...
i had like 4 paragraphs written here, but alas, i decided to cut them out just now, so here's the rest:
i just talked to my dad. cuz he started to yell at me again cuz my mom was blackmailing me like usual and using me, and i couldnt take it this time, so i gave her some attitude that sometimes i just cant control, and he got into it with me. so, i got into it with him. i i said everything thats been on my mind and what i dont like and how crazy this is.
why cant we just live? why cant there just be life. life with rocks in the road sometimes, but why cant there just be LIFE.
i want to live, but i want them to too. i want life and happiness more so for my family than anything i can think of. they have it, sure, but not like they should.
i dont want to think what is right and what is wrong anymore. my problem: i just wanted to be a kid. i just wanted to have a teen life with memories and fun. but in this house, when im home, i have to face it that i cant have a teen life like most kids. circumstances wont let me.
yeah i need to get on with things. start doing things for me instead of for others sometimes, but its so hard to do that when you know that back home, your family is going through what they are.
and i dont know what im doing with you. i dont know anymore. it scares me cuz i know how much you care about me, but i dont feel like that for you. i care about you equally, but i dont have that "emotional, youre the one thing in my life right now", and i cant handle someone caring about me so much that they cant handle it if i dont say those words back to them all the time.
it seems with me, im always supporting people, and if i allow people to support me, then i have to also put up with the baggage and stress and emotional atachments/insecurities that it comes along with. whereas, i support people, but i dont expect anything from them at all. i could care less if they even called me the next day cuz i know that they feel better and that they know that they have someone to come to.
im not asking you to care for me less at all. but you have one place to put all your focus and attention on and thats me, and i cant handle that. i need someone to care about me, i need to know that he loves me and suports me, but i dont need to hear from them that they love me every time we talk, or that they need a physical reassurance of some sort. i need to be able to have fun with a friend more so than someone who needs to look deep into my eyes every night. i love romance and love and all that, im very romantic, but not when its so incredibly serious all the time.
im sorry if im selfish. or if i seem that way. but i really am not trying to be. im just trying to start to live my summer and stop worrying. and letting the pieces fall where theyre going to fall, and not take things so seriously.
WE NEED TO JUST LIVE. let go, stop controlling things, and let come what may.
by the way, nothing in here is directed at the new owner of a pair of knives.
also, dont take what im saying here seriously. this is all general and vent.
and also, i hope no one reads this cuz i dont even know what i just said all there. its me just writing.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, June 13th, 2004
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10:31 am
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i just want you to know...
i cant fathom never talking to you again, but the words that i cannot say to you for fear of hurting you more are the words that keep me up at night...
you have touched a piece of my heart that no one has ever been able to do, and i thought no one ever would. you have changed me into such a better person and i have learned more about life and myself in the past five months than i have in my whole life. no one can ever fill that space that you have taken from me ever again, theres a certain piece of me that will always be yours... i want so much to call you and hear your voice or to feel your arms around me, i want to know what youre doing right now, i want to look at you across a room and smile.
a woman came into my work the other day and wanted help shopping for her husband, who was an engineer... she started to describe engineers to me, and asked me several times if i knew what she meant. i had to go into the backroom cuz i didnt want her to see the tears.
im sorry. im sorry i hurt you, im sorry. i have never cared for someone like i do you, and i wish you didnt have to feel like you do. you are one of the strongest people i know. you have so much ambition and drive and care for other people... you dont find that too often. and you have so much love...
i think about you all the time. cuz i wont ever forget you.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, May 28th, 2004
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1:43 am
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so my wonderful bf has made me realizew more things about myself than i have ever...
i hide EVERYTHING. i knew i hid things, but i didnt realize how much. my moods are always the same, im happy. if im mad or sad or whatever, i dont let anyone know, sometimes i wont even admit it to myself until everything boils over and im alone in my bed at night and i wake up crying or something. i worry too much about taking up peoples time when im pissed... if i am, i decide to hide it and not make a big deal of it cuz i dont want the attention and angry words it brings on. but sometimes, especially with someone youre so close to, it needs to be done.
ive been putting on this front for so long... not at parties and stuff, but with my true feelings, so long that i really dont think i know what to feel or show anymore.
i need to open up. not to other people, but to myself...
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, May 20th, 2004
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11:02 pm
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ALLLLL right. so here it is:
i have 4 jobs right now: friar tucks (host), TGI Fridays (server, i know i know!!) subway, and some sales thing. but i have to pick and choose, right? and youll all say TGIF, right? But then, guess what. my weekend nights and my weekday nights are all gone, so that means : no nights to hang out for me! i dont think so... so i dont know yet..
i also got a honda civic, 1998, 52000 miles, for 7600 dollars. for you car people, is that good? thats making me smile too.
what else...
i dont know. tomorrow i see tapp people. woo woo.
okay, night.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, May 13th, 2004
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12:12 pm
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| Monday, May 3rd, 2004
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11:24 am
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all right, so i think i'll update this beeotch.
first of all, RED WINGS WHAT THE HELL?!!!! kill their asses cuz its just caligary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! damn!
and you should get revenge or something for yzerman. :-(
and second of all, college is almost done and i really dont want it to be. that means i have to go home and be... home ha. i cant wait to see all my friends and stuff (jess many a party!) but home.. yeah not fun.
third of all, yeah my heart is confused, like it always is haha. its okay though, someday it wont be. i do have to say that i wuv my one and only and that even though she doesnt know me as well as she thinks she does, she understands better than anyone.
i think i might move to montana and start a life.
ahhh!!! and exams!!! okay, so my professor gave us this exam that had 21 chapters on it, which is basically two books and the chapters are like 15-20 pages long full of history and dates, and said that anything in there is fair game. but tomorrow i get to perform so its okay. i just cant wait until wed when i can go out. and thurs...
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 22nd, 2004
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1:29 am
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all i want to do is live. i dont want to go home, cuz im livin with my mini-me sister in the same room which is cool and all, but im not going to be able to stand living with the rents. i would rather shove everyone i love away cuz it would be so much easier to just crawl inside me and put up with their shit that way. its too hard to try and be ambitious and independant and 19 and free when im "allowed" to only go out once or twice a week, they wont let me get a car yet they wont let me use the truck that will be just sitting there, they have to drive me to and from work, and i have to be home before 12 or before 1 30, depending on the day. i was going to live somewhere else so everything wouldnt be so stressful, but they "forbid" me to. i have to rely on my friends for rides this summer they said and i cant really stay the night a whole lot, so at 2 in the morning someone is going to have to stop doig whatever and drive me... yeah OKAY. see, ive been fighting this MY WHOLE LIFE. im a good kid, i dont do drugs, i dont screw people over, im strong and get good grades and have good morals... and im sick of fighting for shit wherever i go. im sick of fighting them. im sick of it. i cant do it this summer, ill end up being bald with no hair and my skin will sag. even if its normal, even if i got all A+'s in college my parents would bitch about something and tell me im failing out of college and then theyd try and TELL me my every move with no leeway and no negotiation. im independant, i cant have people trying to keep me in a box where i cant move unless they tell me to. i wont be able to survive, ill wilt away.
i dont know what to do. i cant do my social thing and put up with their bitch asses this summer.
i want to scream so bad right now. just like i have wanted to my whole life. but the scream is silent inside me, and hopefully itll never escape cuz i wont be able to stop.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, April 20th, 2004
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11:38 am - holy cow i never realized how beautiful and right these lyrics are...
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Oh.
Maybe tonight,
We could close the door and lock ourselves inside,
Take time to feel,
I don’t want to miss the chance to be so real.
The days all fly away and I forget the truth.
Everything that matters, is, in this room.
When you lie next to me,
Breathing the air I breathe.
We don’t have to speak, an' just be.
Our love’s a precious thing,
Don’t want to waste a day.
Or one more minute without you in it.
Life is so sweet,
When you lie next to me.
My heart is yours,
And every part of me still wants to give you more.
More time to love,
'Cos you never know when life will leave us.
I want to take in all the beauty here.
Oh, let the world around us just disappear.
When you lie next to me,
Breathing the air I breathe.
We don’t have to speak, an' just be.
Our love’s a precious thing,
Don’t want to waste a day.
Or one more minute without you in it.
Life is so sweet,
When you lie next to me.
Oh lie next to me.
When you lie next to me,
Breathing the air I breathe.
We don’t have to speak, an' just be.
Our love’s a precious thing,
Don’t want to waste a day.
Or one more minute without you in it.
Life is so sweet,
When you lie next to me.
When you lie next to me.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, April 19th, 2004
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2:47 pm
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so this weekend was the craziest weekend. we fought, and then i saw and experienced something i thought i never would and that made me feel so alone and scared i dont even know how to describe it... except maybe i felt like i was 15 again in my family's grip.
so i was droppped off at my house so i could do some thinking, and i took all of my things with me cuz i didnt know if i ever was coming back.
i did. and i talked and said everything i was thinking and i didnt hold back. and i didnt change, and i didnt bend.
and now it seems what we have is so much stronger and real than it ever was. so phenomenol how something so beautiful and good can come out of something so horrible and terrifying.
but time will tell.
just don't EVER give up, and everyone deserves a second chance. there's a reason that everything happens..
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, April 14th, 2004
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3:35 pm
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ugh. i haven't frowned so much in three days. well, i have, but DAMN.
and its beautiful outside. my favorite kind of beautiful. if you need a laugh, let me know. cuz we can make each other laugh i gaurantee it.
i cant wait to see all of my dudes back home - everyone. the time is coming!
all right. thats it, just thought i'd write something cuz i haven't for a while. so you guys better leave something or I'll stalk you and beat you up until you do.
all right. later.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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